A Mixed up Family

A few pics to tide you over

2007-10-01T00:34:00.001-04:00

Okay, so I'm a bad blogger again...but here is a cutie pie to make you smile!

Stop back by soon! :o)

What a difference a year makes!

2007-08-08T16:37:00.001-04:00

Ok, so really it's only 10 months! But wow, how fast they grow!

Last year on her birthday:

Yesterday, at the same place:

What happened to my baby??

What am I doing wrong?

2007-08-08T15:16:00.000-04:00

For the past 6 years, I have been trying to get a job. Not just any job. A teaching job, in the elementary field. Now, many people who read this will not understand. We all hear about how there are shortages in the teaching field. Well, I promise, these shortages are not at the elementary level. The shortages are most likely in the math and science field, or in special education in the upper levels. Or else shortages are in places like New York City. I have spent approximately 3 years in a local district that is considered inner city. When I moved here, people told me not to teach there, comparing it to a "jungle". However, this was much like the district that I worked in when I lived in Georgia. But really, it's better. The kids aren't quite as disrespectful. But even in this district that is considered "undesirable", there are few elementary jobs to be had. I have done long term positions for almost 3 years, but nothing permanent yet. I stay in this district because of the pay. It's $100/day. Other, nicer districts, pay only around $70-$75 a day. Before I got my Master's degree, I wouldn't even get called for interviews. For every elementary position that opens up, they get 300 applications!! I also have a Master's Degree in Literacy. At least now that I have the literacy degree, I have gotten a few interviews. I always think I interview poorly. I get too nervous. But my resume is, I think, pretty impressive. I had scholarships, honors, and my GPA was 3.47 and 3.95. I have very good reference letters. What am I doing wrong?? I am probably going to branch out to other districts in hopes that it will lead me to a job. I know in the district I live in, my son has had teachers that got the job after they were substitutes. This year will be the 3rd year he's had a "new" teacher. I'm wondering if I'm too qualified, and they are choosing the ones they will have to pay less?? I am also planning on getting a special education degree. Then, if I can't get a job, I think I'll just find a new profession. I'm so depressed over this, and could go on and on with what I've gone through. But I don't have the time or the energy right now to get into it. Ugh! I just want to teach. It's been my calling since I was 10 years old!

Testing, testing...1, 2, 3......

2007-08-04T23:17:00.000-04:00

Just trying to see if I am able to add photos! Thanks to 2 of my online friends, I will start blogging again. I'm a little slow, and my life isn't THAT exciting, but I figure it will be good for posterity! :o)

How many shopping days left??

2006-11-18T21:45:00.000-05:00

I cannot believe that it is almost Thanksgiving and I haven't even begun Christmas shopping yet. Usually by this time of year I am finished. We haven't had the greatest time financially though, so we have been waiting on my paycheck to go to full scale. I get my first "step" paycheck on Tuesday. Plus I get retro pay for the first 30 days. So we will be shopping with cash this year. Which of course, is always a good thing. We have a certain amount we spend on each child. Then we also have to factor in nieces and nephews. But this year, we will be doing less for them as we don't have as much. I find it absolutely amazing what some people spend on their kids. Take the latest Playstation. It costs $600!!!! And it's going for 5 times that on Ebay. What are people thinking?? Another hot toy is this FurReal Horse. It is a child sized horse that doesn't do much of anything. But it costs $250. One of my students the other day said she was getting it for Christmas. I often wonder how nice it would be to have that kind of money. I feel bad sometimes when my son asks for things that I really can't afford, or don't want to buy because I know he isn't careful with his things. My standard answer for items like that is "Ask your dad". However, I often wish that I could buy him some of those things. But that's a whole other story. I feel sad that Christmas is so commercialized and that my kids have been taught to expect so much at this time of year. I wish I had worked harder to teach them the true meaning of Christmas and giving. And sometimes I wonder if I still could, or if it's just too late.

My baby is 1 today

2006-10-11T21:15:00.000-04:00

One year ago today, my beautiful little girl entered this world, screaming and yelling for all she was worth. Today, she is still a strong-willed little girl who makes known her opinion. One year ago, she was a tiny little bundle of joy with a rosebud mouth and slate blue eyes. Today, she is a blonde haired ray of sunshine with cornflower blue eyes that would melt the hardest heart. One year ago, she was a helpless newborn who depended on me for all things in her life. Today, she is an independent, mobile ball of energy who rarely slows down. One year ago, she was a sweet new little one who could melt my heart with an unblinking gaze. Today, she is a gorgeous, amazing beauty who fills me with overwhelming love each time she gives me those open mouthed kisses and lays her sweet-smelling head on my shoulder. I can't imagine my life without her.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRINCESS!

The Brady Bunch was full of shit

2006-09-30T20:01:00.000-04:00

Is there any such thing as a truly blended family? One that is happy and one in which everyone is equal? Or is it always a struggle? I used to think we were one family. I used to think we were happy. Now, I don't think anything will ever be good again. The saga of Ch has been well documented here. I thought we were moving past it. But it seems we will never be able to. Carla says it's my fault. But in reality, I cannot say anything to Ch anymore without being accused of "having a tone" or being a bitch. I've basically been told that I am not allowed to say anything. So I decided to just cut her off. I said I wasn't doing anything for her anymore. Why should I when all I get for it is an attitude or criticism? I fought to get her help with her education. Now I'm told that I shouldn't worry about her grades. That I just want to "gloat" over her failures. What Carla doesn't understand is that it makes me sick to see her grades falling in the toilet when I know that if her father did what he needed to, she wouldn't be having so many problems. And Carla doesn't seem to care. I wish I didn't. Even with me saying that I wasn't going to do anything for her anymore, I find myself still doing stuff. I wanted to buy something else for her birthday. I bought a cake mix to make for her party. Yet, I'm constantly accused of not caring. I DON'T WANT TO CARE ANYMORE. So every 2 weeks, when Ch is here, we go through this. Me being accused of being a bitch. I honestly don't see it. I asked about her grades, and got attacked. Yet, every single day, she verbally beats up on J. He can't look crooked without her saying something. When she gets up in the morning, the first thing I hear is her yelling at him. Can he be a pain? Yes. I don't pretend like he is perfect. But he doesn't act any different than the other 2. He can't let things drop. He has to keep arguing. But so do the other 2. I understand that a biological connection is stronger. I don't expect her to pretend like she doesn't love her own kids in a different way. But why is it okay for her to treat him that way? I hate it. Why can't she see how much it hurts me? I really just wish Ch would just stop coming. It pours salt in an open wound. And the only way she seems to deal is by verbally battering me. I know that Ch is her daughter. And regardless of what she says, she hasn't dealt with or gotten over the fact that she left. Nor do I think she has moved past the fact that she feels responsible for that on some level. So once again, I get the blame. It's easier for everyone to blame me. I don't claim that I am perfect either. Do I get snippy sometimes? Yes. The hurt often manifests itself through anger, directed towards Ch. But it's not constant, like I am accused of. I don't even think it's often. I guess I sound selfish. I don't think, though, that this 12 year old should ruin what could be. I just wish I knew how to fix everything. It takes two though. I can't fix it alone. And sometimes I wonder if there is anything left to even fix.

A Dreaded Day

2006-09-18T00:08:00.000-04:00

In the morning, I have to get up at 6AM. I have to get everyone ready, and then I have to do something which will fill me with sadness. I will be dropping my baby off at daycare. I'm fortunate in that I know the lady in the baby room who will be taking care of her. I know that she will be taken care of and given love. But it won't be me. For the last 11 months, I have been her sole caregiver. Oh, sure, she's been away from me. When we went to Hawaii, she stayed with her grandparents for a week. And sure, I've left her for a few hours. But this is the first time she will be with strangers. Why is this so different from when I did this with J? He was 3 months old. I was ready to go back to work then. I was ready for adult interaction. I didn't shed hardly a tear. Maybe it's because now I have built up a network of mommy friends. We had a hospital mom/baby group we went to. We are members of a playgroup. Maybe it's because back then, I didn't know anyone who stayed home with their kids. Everyone had to work. I guess I could stay home. It would be tight, and I'd have to watch every penny. Then things would be strained in my house and we probably would just keep fighting. So I guess part of me going back to work is preservation of my family and keeping a happy household. Maybe it's because she is probably the last. I can't believe she is going to be a year old next month. It seems like it has gone so fast. Even J commented on it. I thought it was pretty profound for an 8 yr old. He said that it seemed like Cadence had grown so fast. And that even though it seemed like the time went by slow to him, when it came to her growing, it seemed like only minutes. You know what they say, "out of the mouths of babes". I sit here crying and worrying about how she will do. She doesn't have stranger anxiety. She is friendly to new people. But I worry about her napping in a strange place, and whether she'll sleep at all. I worry that when I pick her up, she'll just be exhausted, and she'll want to sleep, and we'll lose the few hours in the afternoon that I'll have. I worry that I'll miss her first steps, her first words. Our other kids are older, and I don't feel needed as much, unless it's for money or a ride somewhere. I have been the center of this baby's world for 11 months. And she has been mine. She adores Carla and gets very excited when she comes home in the evening. I joke that I'm old hat, and that maybe now she'll be excited to see me too. But I think I'd rather stay an "old hat". ::Sigh:: I don't think I'll sleep much tonight.

What do I really want?

2006-08-09T12:02:00.000-04:00

Did anyone ever tell you that you could do something and you weren't really sure you wanted to? And then the option wasn't there anymore, so then you wanted it? I'm not making sense am I? When I was pregnant with Cadence, and after she was born, Carla had made comments to the fact that I should stay home with her until she starts school. I was slightly horrified. My opinion has always been that I went to school to get an education and have a career. My goal was to stay at home with the baby for a year and then go back to work. After all, when J was a baby, I was so bored and felt so isolated. After my 3 month summer break, I was ready for adult interaction. Fast forward to now. I have joined a playgroup. I have friends with babies around the same age. At the very thought of going back to work, I was having panic attacks. Then we went through all sorts of turmoil. The whole Ch affair, the end of that child support, our tenant dying. All of which led us into financial downfall. We have been struggling to make ends meet. I sucked it up and even applied for WIC. So now, I really NEED to go back to work. I also need health insurance. But I am feeling gypped. I know part of it is my fault. I shop too much and indulge Cadence too much, and she's too young to appreciate it, so I know I am really doing it to appease myself. I have possibly been offered a position, but it's not exactly what I want, so that also is contributing to this feeling of not wanting to leave my daughter. I know the money will help us. It will make Carla less stressed, and make our lives more comfortable. I know i've given my daughter her mom for a year, and I feel fortunate because many families aren't able to do that. I don't know why I feel so torn. I know if they offered me a full time teaching position with full salary and benefits, I'd jump at it. As it stands now, it's benefits, and about 5/8 of full salary. That's if they pay what is originally written in the grant. I'm in limbo as they haven't solidified the position. Add to that the stress of that fact that the daycare only has 2 positions open, and I'm just a nervous wreck. I can't afford to put down the deposit until I know if I have the job. I want to be with my daughter, but I want to work. It's so hard. I'm sure I'll be fine once I go back to work. And if I figure in the naps she takes, I'm really only missing out on 4 hours a day with her. I'll be glad when the stage is set and I know what's going on. The waiting and going over everything in my head is the worst!

I'm Officially A Stalker

2006-07-24T19:25:00.000-04:00

Okay, that title sounds crazy, huh? Well the other day Carla and I were talking about her..hmm...what do I call her...her ex, I guess. She says it wasn't a relationship, they just slept together. She was her first, and vice versa. Anyway, she used to track Carla down at work and talk to her. She would occasionally call her. To give a brief history, this girl was a total bitch when I first moved in. She would bad mouth me all the time, and I was never allowed to say anything back. She was the catalyst for the horrible first year that Carla and I endured. Since then, she resurfaces occasionally, once even showing up at Carla's mom's house. She is now married, to a guy (she was totally embarassed of her "thing" with Carla) and has two kids. So I had asked Carla the other day if she thought we would ever hear from her again. Carla said she doubted it. Today I was at Wal-Mart with the kids, and lo and behold, who do I see?? Yep, her! I was like "HOLY SHIT". The kids remember her, but she hasn't seen them in about 5 1/2 yrs. So I went into Wal-Mart and proceeded to search the store for her. I wanted to see if she would recognize the kids, and if she would speak to them. I know, I'm horrible. So we carried on these conversations with each other, making sure to say each other's names. The kids thought this was funny. A few minutes later, she walks past me and gives Cadence a long once-over. I figured she must have recognized me. C and Ch said she looked both of them up and down. So I'm pretty sure she recognized them/us, but didn't say anything. I was thoroughly amused. The kids were gonna say hi, but they were so giggly over it that they decided against it. Carla couldn't believe I didn't speak to her. She said "your biggest rival, and you didn't say a word." I'm not a real confrontational kind of person, and wouldn't have even known what to say. It's not like her and I ever spoke a nice word to each other. Basically, my curiousity was settled at seeing what she looked like these days, and what her kids and hubby looked like. Just thought I'd share my stalker moment! hehe

38 weeks 6 days

2006-07-10T16:19:00.000-04:00

Today, Cadence is 38 weeks and 6 days. Okay...why the significance? Well that is the age she was born at. Gestationally speaking, she was born at 38 weeks and 6 days, or, 8 days early. She has now been in this world as long as she spent in my body. Kind of sad and bittersweet. Or maybe I'm just weird. Tomorrow she is 9 months old. Where did the time go?

The Little Girl Who Cried Wolf

2006-06-27T20:44:00.000-04:00

I thought it was over. Ch was here for the weekend and said she wanted to live with both her mom and dad. We asked her several times if that was what she really wanted. We asked if she was going to change her mind once she went back to her dad's. She told the therapist that she wanted to live with both of them. The therapist called and told her dad. Then she went home and told her dad. He said no. We thought that because she told us, the therapist, and him, that in court, it would hold up. That we would alternate weeks. I thought that finally we could move on. That this was a good compromise. That maybe if we could all work together that she might even come home permanently one day. I was finally feeling good about this. And this was all after finding out that it really was my fault that she left in the beginning. So finally, I felt like we could make amends. So Charlie called Carla today and said they needed to talk. They met for dinner, with Ch. She started off saying she wanted to live with both. Then she was wavering. At the end, she refused to say anything. Carla told her that since she couldn't make a choice, that she was taking her back home with us. Carla put her in the car. The child threw an absolute hissy fit, screaming and kicking "I want my daddy". Did I mention that this reversal came after going back to his house, and him being home half of the day with her today?? She was opening the door after the car started moving. So Carla took her back to him. They have agreed not to change the custody papers, but that she will stay there and can visit Carla whenever she wants. Funny also how we have a pool and they didn't, but after mentioning how she wanted to swim, a new pool appeared in his yard just today. I am completely and utterly devastated. I feel like someone has ripped me apart inside. I thought she was really telling the truth this time. I am just shattered. I am sure Carla feels that she is doing what's best for Ch. But can anyone tell me that it doesn't seem like this child is being brainwashed? Or that she says whatever the person she is with at the time wants to hear? That she isn't confused? She always changes her mind after being with him. At this point, I never want to see her again. I hate her. She has done nothing but rip this family apart and manipulate everyone. As someone told me, this child has been given entirely too much power, and is using it to just tear everyone apart. I don't want her here anymore. And I'm sure that sounds selfish. But I just can't take this pain anymore. She got my hopes up yet again, and once again she has destroyed me inside. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Guess that makes me the world's biggest fool because this is about the 3rd time she's done this. I know she is Carla's daughter. And I treated her as mine too. All I get in return is punched in the gut. I want to hurt her. I want her to feel like I do. I'm sure in time I will lose some of this anger. But I don't think I can ever forgive her. Right now, I just want to leave. I don't want to be here anymore and have to deal with this emotional turmoil. I just want to take my kids and go. Sometimes I wish I had never met Carla. Then this wouldn't have happened. Some people say that it would have happened no matter if it was me, or someone else. But it is ME. And I am the one who has to feel like I cost her her daughter. I just want to crawl into a hole somewhere. This is why it's hard for me to care for people. I don't want to care about anyone anymore. It sucks. I hate Carla for allowing this to happen. I hate myself for caring so much. I'm done feeling. Life's better when you can't get hurt.

Happy Birthday to Me

2006-06-25T21:21:00.000-04:00

Today is my birthday. It is never a happy day. This is usually the time that J goes to his dad's for the summer. We are also having turmoil with Ch again. The ex is being a total ass. So this is probably the worst birthday I have had so far. I am 32 years old. Hard to believe. I don't feel like I'm an adult sometimes. I often wish I could go back and redo things. Guess that's not a wish that I can get from blowing out birthday candles, huh? So, Happy Birthday to me. I'm hoping the next few bring better days.

Happenings in the Mixed up Family

2006-06-21T14:31:00.000-04:00

Well, it seems this blog has become a griping place. I never intended it to be just a venting place. But as I tend to write mostly when I am emotionally distraught, that is indeed what it has become. So I thought I would update on what's going on in this part of the world. J is getting ready to leave for the summer. I think that was one of my first posts on the blog..when he was getting ready to come home last year. He spends 8 weeks every summer in Georgia with his dad. Sunday morning he will be leaving. My birthday actually. It's not a big deal I guess. But sometimes I wish he was here for my birthday. This year has been the easiest so far. I guess because I have an 8 month old and don't have time to sit around and dwell on things. Some people think that because this has been going on for 6 yrs that I should be used to it. It's never easy letting yoru child go for such a long time. This Friday, my oldest stepdaughter, C, graduates 8th grade. I've known her since she was 6, and lived here since she was 8. It's amazing to me that time goes so fast. I know Carla is having a hard time dealing with the fact that she is growing up and will go to high school in the fall. She's growing up to be such a pretty girl. So far, we have had no problems with her, other than the normal teenage attitude problems...lol. She likes boys, but seems to be more friends with them than anything. We can be thankful for that, for now anyways! Her father says he can't make it to her graduation. He says he has to work. But he takes off for everything else. He really makes me sick. It should make me happy that he's not going. It just solidifies what a real asshole he is. But I'm sure it bothers C. Even though she puts on a good front, I know deep down it hurts. Next up is Ch. Weekends have been nice. She even came last weekend to go to a BBQ with us. It was Father's Day weekend, and not our weekend so we were surprised she wanted to go. She was upset because we rearranged her room to use for a playroom. We left her bed and stuff in there. We are just utilizing the space because she is only here every 2 weeks. She expects everything to stay the same even though she made the choice to go. This past weekend was the first weekend that she was acting like her old self...the self centered side. I just bit my tongue and let her mom deal with it. She made mention a couple weeks ago about coming to stay with us a few weeks during the summer. It was an offer I had extended in hopes that she will come back one day. I just hope she isn't doing it to use us in order to go swimming. She will spend the whole summer at her stepfamily's farm stand, and not have anything to do. I don't want her to think it's ok to come here and then turn around and go back when summer's over and she doesn't need us anymore. We are still waiting for the papers to be drawn up to be signed for child support and custody. Carla has agreed to take a cut in child support and then share custody. I'm just glad she isn't signing complete custody away. Although I still think she'll have to fight with him if Ch decides to return. He won't want to go back to paying full child support. Carla just picked up two more stores to supervise in her district. She may be a district manager by the end of the year. She wants it but in a way she's scared. It's amazing to me what she has accomplished in just 2.5 short years. Who knew that her previous job's closing would open this wonderful door of opportunity? Now if I could ever get a job, we'd be doing great financially. I want to get a job. But I know it will make me sad to not be at home with my baby. Finally, we come to Cadence. She is 8 months old now. No teeth yet, and no desire to crawl. I alternate being thankful and being worried that she isn't mobile. She is the light of my life. She is such a happy baby. She still doesn't sleep all night, but it's so much better than it was. She is a big girl, off the charts for height. She is so beautiful, with her big blue eyes and toothless grin. It's funny to watch her when Carla comes home. She gets so excited. She also loves her big brother. She finds J absolutely hysterical. I'm sure she'll miss him while he's gone. Well looks like I'm all caught up. Finally a post that's not fraught (sp?) with anger!

No shock here!

2006-06-15T14:38:00.000-04:00

Utterly Lost

2006-06-07T22:56:00.000-04:00

What do you do when you've been lied to? How do you get over it and move on?In my last post, I mentioned how Carla was going camping. Well she didn't go camping. She went to Florida, to visit someone she has been friends with online for several years. Yes, the someone was a woman. She spent 4 days there. According to her, it was a wonderful thing. They talked and she realized a lot of things about herself. She realized that she was still in love with me. She says she needed the time away to think. And that she "needed to miss" me. I guess you have to go 1500 miles away to miss someone these days. She says she didn't cheat. She says that was never the intention. But it's been a bitter pill to swallow, when she has had sexual conversations with this woman, the woman has sent her nude photos, and she had said in the past that she would sleep with her. But I'm supposed to accept at face value that she didn't cheat. Well after 2 days of crying and arguing, I had come to terms with things for the most part. My gut says she truly didn't cheat. And I'm not a trusting person. So last night, I felt better about things. I felt optimistic about working through things. Today, I had even talked to the woman, and we talked about things and what was said while Carla was down there. So I felt that was in check. Then, during a conversation tonight, I asked the innocent question "Where did you sleep?" Her answer "In her room". Where? "Well she had a queen size bed". WHAT?! It sent me reeling. I feel like an even bigger idiot than I was already feeling. She doesn't see a problem with this. She said she never even had a second thought about it. Am I totally off base here with my feelings? Sure, if there hadn't been a history of inappropriate stuff between them, I might have handled it better. So what now? We are once again fighting. Because when I get angry, then she just batters ME with angry words and talks about how lazy I am and how I am a freeloader, etc. And I'm just such a bitch. This coming from someone who is supposed to love me and want to be with me forever? She tells me if I am unhappy then I should leave. Oh, that's great. I'll just leave, with no job, no money, and no place to go with my 2 kids. Does she even realize how ridiculous that sounds? I guess the million $$ question is: If I had the means to go, would I? How sad and pathetic am I that I really don't know what I would do? A person can only take so much of hearing about what an awful person they are. I don't feel like she really cares. Somewhere I have heard that it takes a 100 compliments to undo one negative remark. I guess if that's the case, it will take a lifetime to undo the scarring that she has done on my soul. Saying that I'm a bad mother is the most hurtful thing she does. I love my kids. I don't beat them, I don't hurt them. She thinks it's awful that I hold Cadence all the time. Or that I sometimes take a nap with her. I know I'm not without faults. I hate housework, and I do a pretty poor job with it. But who wants to do anything when you feel so awful? When you're just so beat down? I know I shouldn't make excuses. Relationships are give and take. And lately, I guess I don't feel I have anything to give. So it's like we're at an impasse. No one wants to give anything. So what do we do? Am I stupid for even wanting this to work? I feel so utterly lost.

Blogging for LGBT Families

2006-06-04T10:47:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I'm a little late for this. But when am I ever on time. June 1st was the set day. Here's the link for those interested: http://www.mombian.com/2006/05/03/lgbtfamilies/ But when is it ever too late to celebrate our special families? So in honor of this blogging event, I will share about a recent special day. May 26, 2006 was our adoption day. Carla officially and legally became Cadence's other mom. It only took a few months to get all of our paperwork filled out and get a court date. The judge was great. She was warm and friendly and made us feel right at home. She said more than once that we were already a family, and this was just a formality. Our lawyer told us the judge doesn't have any kids of her own, and so she loves doing these adoptions. We took pictures with the judge and our lawyer. This was our lawyers first 2nd parent adoption. In light of recent events in our family, this was definately a bright spot in what has been a bleak year. We are so fortunate to be able to do this in New York. If only everyone could see that families are families, no matter what their makeup. We laugh, we cry, we fight, we make up, and most of all, we LOVE. So even though the law has now deemed us a family. Love made us a family long ago. Happy Pride month!

Separate Lives

2006-06-02T15:28:00.000-04:00

Well, we visited the lawyer to discuss what would happen in court with Ch, and what our options are. She mentioned joint custody, which would either be a split week, or week here/week there arrangement. I was eager for it, because I figured it would give Ch and I a chance to work through whatever our problem seemed to be. And it would also, hopefully, give Carla and Ch a chance to keep a good relationship. So I took J to a baseball game, and when I talked to Carla midway through, she said she had talked to Charlie. Basically she told him about what the lawyer said. His biggest concern is that, according to him, he can't afford his child support anymore. Never mind that he has a million dollar racecar. This just makes me even more convinced that he orchestrated this for his own reasons. So Carla told him about the joint custody thing. She basically told him he could have whatever he wanted, as long as on paper they shared physical custody. That way Ch could come back if she wanted without a court fight (this is what she is banking on..I still think he'd fight her). Well when she told me this, I was so angry. We ended up in a huge fight. She said horrible things to me. Told me that Ch told her that it was my fault (which means Carla lied to me!) and that she would never forgive me for saying that I didn't want her there (after Ch hit my son in the head with a rock!!). She said I was lazy, a terrible mother, and that I was running her into the ground financially. She said I needed to get a job. Then she said I needed to find a place to go for the summer, that she needed time away from me. I was devastated by some of what she said to me. I cried all night, and a lot of the next day. Since then, we are civil to each other. Sometimes things seem normal. But I have had to put up a wall in order to go on. I have had to shut myself off so that I can stop feeling the pain. She keeps telling me to get over the thing with Ch. But I just can't get over the things she said, and the feeling that she does blame me, no matter how much she says she doesn't. Were those things said in the heat of anger, or are they true? She said last night that she doesn't think things will ever be the same between us, and in a way I agree. I don't trust what she says anymore. So she says we'll just live separate lives. She is gone for the weekend. Camping, she said. I called earlier for something and she doesn't answer, nor has she called back. So I'm home this weekend (or longer?) with my 2 children. I feel trapped. I have no job, no income, no means of supporting myself if she decides that she doesn't want me here anymore. I alternate being scared, and being angry. I just can't get past those things she said. I'm so hurt and have no one to talk to who understands. If it weren't for my kids, I don't know what I'd do. I never thought it would come to this.

It's all my fault

2006-05-15T16:46:00.000-04:00

That's what the ex says. He called Carla today to give her the "head's up" that she will be served with papers to change custody. We knew it was coming. We just didn't know when. In all honesty, neither of us see the point in going to court. We haven't bothered him about it, and he still, magnanimously, wants to pay 1/2 of his child support, because he "has an obligation" to his other daughter, C. Whom he still hasn't called after she hung up on him. I'm sure he just wants to make sure Carla can't change her mind at a later date. After the Mother's Day fiasco, Ch wanted her mother to take her to lunch. She only wants to see her mom, according to Charlie. Well, even putting me aside, is it right for her not to see her other family members? Her sisters, her brother? Or does she not even consider them her family because 2 of them are mine? He told Carla that she doesn't like me and that I play headgames with her. He says she doesn't like calling the house because of me either. I haven't even talked to her on the phone before yesterday. And I barely said anything to her! He basically said that if I weren't here then she wouldn't have left. It's devastating to me to hear those things. He also blames me for C not talking to him. She's 14 years old! She has a mind of her own. Now a lot of it could be just him. But I know from some of the things he said, that she is also feeding into it. So is it her running home to run her mouth, or is it him eliciting information and her feeding into it for attention? The note I wrote her? She either told him about it or gave it to him. After I specifically asked her to leave it here. When Carla went to the therapist with Ch regarding "the decision" Carla asked her if it was me. Ch said no. Carla asked if I left would she come back. She said no. The therapist has also said in the past that it really isn't me. That it's just easier to blame me because I'm not her mom. She has talked about not liking the stepmother to us as well. Carla told Charlie that. He doesn't have anything to say about that. Carla told him that when all is said and done, she's lost a daughter and so has he. He says it doesn't have to be that way. But why should Carla make time for her alone when she is so blatantly turning her back on the rest of us? And the way he has handled this has totally turned C off. She doesn't really want anything to do with him. How ironic that in the past, I told her that she HAD to go to her dad's because it had been a month. It just nauseates me to be the whipping post. I have decided that my only defense mechanism is to be angry. Angry that she's blaming me for something that's not my fault. Angry that is is dividing our family. And angry that she is hurting Carla this way without even a single bit of concern. Anger is better than being hurt. So tomorrow we go consult with the lawyer to see what we're in for. Carla doesn't want to sign over custody for at least a year. Mainly because of her back and forth decision. Carla has told Ch that she needs to be here the next weekend. That will be our sit down talk with her. I'll get to say my peace, and Carla will be laying down the facts: that if Ch is going to continue to alienate her family, and treat us with disrespect, then she is not welcome. That she should not come on weekends until she decides she wants to be part of our family. That doesn't mean that she move back in..just that she treats us with respect. Maybe it sounds harsh. But the turmoil she is causing is tearing us all apart. I'll be glad when it's all over. Then we can move on.

My "Momiversary"

2006-05-11T23:52:00.000-04:00

I heard this word, "momiversary" in a parenting magazine. Today is my Momiversary, the day I became a mom. Bear with me as I get a little nostalgic!

8 years ago today, I became a mom. At least in the true sense of the word. I had gone through two miscarriages prior to that. And though I considered them my children, and a devastating loss, I wasn't yet a mother. I like what someone on one of my lists once said. That the same little soul continues to try and enter the world until it's their time. If that's true, then my baby boy had great perseverance! Because of that, 8 years ago today, May 11, 1998...one day past Mother's Day, I held my beautiful little boy in my arms. 7 pounds 10oz, 19 3/4 inches of pure joy. I wanted him born on Mother's Day. But like everything else I do, I was late with this too! It's hard to believe that it was so long ago already. I am no longer "mommy" to him. I have become just "Mom". He's no longer the towheaded imp that once got a bucket stuck on his head. He is now a rough and tumble, opinionated, smart and clever boy.

So hold tight to your little ones. Enjoy every moment of their babyhood. Because one day, they too will grow up!

The War Continues...Tit for tat??

2006-05-11T22:09:00.000-04:00

So Ch goes to her best friend's house, which is across the street, almost every weekend when she isn't at our house. She was over there again last weekend, and didn't bother to speak to any of us again. Carla had even talked to her about it. Yet, she spent the whole day over there and not one word to us. We were invited over, because it was a potluck. But we had a ballgame and some other things. By the time we would have gotten there, Charlie's wife would be there. She was invited also. I guess because Ch lives there now, they feel the need to associate with them. I told them we couldn't come because we refused to associate with her or Charlie. Even Carla's mom was apalled that Ch was acting like that. Ch knows her grandparents are at our house every weekend (they're moving in next door). Ok, so Charlie calls on Tues. and Thurs. C's best friend invited her to her family reunion. It was going to fall on Charlie's weekend. When he called on Tuesday, Carlie told him she was not coming to his house over the weekend. He was very short with her and pretty much hung up right away. Then on Wed., C had a softball game. The other stepmother was there with her two kids and Ch. No Charlie, even though he had said he was coming. So Ch comes running by us. Ignores us completely! The bitch stepmother, Ralf, says "Did you say hi?" So then Ch says "Hi Kris". I just kind of flipped my hand up at her. She ignores us the entire rest of the game. Doesn't even speak to Cadence. I warned J to stay away from her, cause I knew she would be nasty to him like she always is when other people are around. So, near the end of the game, I see Charlie come and leave. C was sitting on the bench and I could tell she was really pissed at him. Carla calls me and says "Did you see what happened with Ch's nose?" Evidently they thought she may have broken her nose. We find out later that it's only bruised, and that it happened because they were in the school unsupervised and playing around. Charlie only showed up to take Ch to the ER. So he didn't see any of C's game. Even though he went over to her and told her that she played well. How stupid does he think she is?? So he calls Thursday. He again says how she did well at her game. She says "Dad, you weren't even there". He then made up some excuse about how he was held up at work, and then he had to take Ch cause she broke her nose. C says "it wasn't broken, just bruised". Then he said that the doc called the next day and said it was broken. Yet, it wasn't wrapped/set when we saw her at the neighbor's. So I hear C say "so now it's broken?" We weren't told this, so I said "We were told it wasn't broken, so they need to get the story straight." Charlie then says to C, "tell her to shutup". C promptly hung up on him before he could get another word out. I was proud of her for standing up to him about the game, and for hanging up when he was being ignorant. He hasn't called her since then!! Mature, right? Ok, so this week has been Carla's birthday and J's bday. This weekend is Mother's Day. And we usually do cake and coffee for the kids' bdays on the weekend after them. Now, all of a sudden, today, Ch calls Carla and says "i really don't want to come this weekend." WHAT???!! It's fucking Mother's day! She says to Carla "maybe we can have lunch or something on Sunday". So she KNOWS it's mother's day and doesn't care. Carla basically didn't say much to her. She knows that Charlie wants her to overreact and get pissed so that he can say that she is loud and yells all the time. But Carla didnt' even ask why Ch didn't want to come. My feeling is that Charlie orchestrated this, knowing it was mother's day. He is pissed at C, and probably thinks that we put her up to it. Which isn't true at all. Now, C isn't going on the next weekend either, cause we're doing J's actual party and going to the movies. I offered to drop her off at his house after the movie on Saturday, but she declined. So I guess we'll see if Ch then decides not to come again on the last weekend of the month. We were going to have family pics taken this weekend. We never got to do it last time Ch was here. So besides wanting to kill Charlie, this is putting a huge wedge between Carla and I. It makes me sick what Charlie is doing to Ch..how he has turned her against her family. We have never done anything but support this child. I just can't understand how Carla can let him manipulate her and take her child from her. I would be fighting tooth and nail. It would be different if I thought she was making her own decisions. But I think he is using bribery to keep her away. Carla says I should just get over it. I don't know how. Honestly, I would have been fine with her not coming. C does it when it's his weekend as well. But it's MOTHER"S DAY! So Ch is now spending mother's day with her stepmother...a person that Carla despises more than anyone. Did I mention that Charlie's wife is Carla's ex best friend of 20 yrs?? Ugh! Someone tell me I will get over this please! Tell me how to deal. I'm so frustrated and hurt. And I worry that it will be the end of mine and Carla's relationship. Why isn't she fighting for her daughter?

I guess not

2006-05-01T19:27:00.000-04:00

So the therapist talked to Ch. She said she didn't really want to live with us, but she just felt bad after reading my note and said what she thought her mom wanted to hear. How did she think that saying it and then taking it back would make us feel?? Well I can tell you..crushed all over again. To top it off, now Carla blames me. She says I should have left it alone. That I made it worse by getting her hopes up and then having her get hurt all over again. I was just trying to put our family back together. And from my perspective, it just proves that she does whatever she thinks someone wants. So her father wanted her there, and she went to live there. Then she tells us the same. Carla said I shouldn't have meddled. But I blame Carla too. Doesn't this prove that Ch doesn't have a clue? That she is easily swayed? How can you just let someone take your child, knowing that she is so wishy-washy? So Carla and I really aren't speaking. She said she knows I meant well, but that I need to drop it. Why isn't she fighting for her daughter? I can't stand it!! It's killing me. So now I stew again. I said I wasn't getting my hopes up, but I guess I was just lying to myself. I hate my life right now.

Did I do the right thing?

2006-05-01T10:21:00.000-04:00

So, Ch was here this weekend. I purposely set up a playdate at the park for the time she would be home. I just didn't know how I'd handle seeing her and didn't want to lose my cool. So I came home after Carla was already home. I was getting Cadence out of the car and Ch walked by. She didn't speak to me or even Cadence! I was so pissed off. Usually she is eager to see the baby. So her mother told her to stop being rude, that it wouldn't be tolerated. After that, she was pretty normal. Of course, then I was resentful that she acted like nothing had happened. That she hadn't broken our hearts. I was better behaved than I thought I could be. I did pass a couple of comments towards her. But she seemed to ignore them. The rest of the weekend was pretty nice. The inlaws were here working on our rental (they're moving in...did I mention that?). We tried to keep the kids outside because the weather was great. We were going to get the family pics done, but Carla wanted to get the rental completed first. So maybe we'll do that Mother's Day weekend. I took the 3 older kids to the drive in on Sat. night. Carla stayed home with Cadence. So, last night (Sun) I was agonizing over whether to say something to Ch, or rather, leave her a note, making one last plea. So I jotted a quick note late last night and taped it to her spot at the table. It basically said that if she really wanted to give her mom something for mother's day, then tell her she wanted to come home. I said that I didn't think she understood what this had done to her mom. I asked if what she had at her dad's was more important than her mom's feelings. I finished up with "it's not too late". Guilt tactics? Maybe. Is it any worse than what he did? We can't prove it, but we're sure he manipulated or bribed her. I think she is a very confused kid. So I came out this morning before she left on the bus. I was going to remove the note, but she already had picked it up. She didn't say anything. C, the oldest, mouthed to me "she was crying". I have to say, it made me feel good to know that at least she CAN feel and understand how actions can affect others. I told C to ask Ch either to put the note in her room, or throw it away. I didn't want her taking it to her dad's house, and have to listen to him. So the girls came in to say goodbye before leaving on the bus for school. Ch called out a cheerful "bye" and I assumed, as usual, that she had already forgotten anything I had written. A little while later, Carla got up to get ready for work. She came in a few minutes later with a piece of paper, with an almost angry look on her face. I thought she had found my note, and was mad at me for saying anything to Ch. Instead, it was a note from Ch. It was addressed on the outside "To Mom/Kris". The inside said "Mom, I want to come home! XXXXOOXXXXXX hopefully I will be home where I belong." I admitted to Carla that I had written a note to Ch. She asked what I had written and I told her. Of course she wanted to know where it was because she doesn't want Charlie to call and start anything because of it. I think the look on her face was because we have just gone through this hell and now Ch is saying she will come home. Does Ch really mean it? Carla is now going to call the hated therapist and ask her to discuss this with Ch (she goes on Mondays), to make sure this is really what Ch wants. Like Carla said, she can't keep losing her. I told Carla that at any rate, it shows how conflicted Ch is, and how where she is at any given time determines where she wants to be. I'm not sure how Charlie will react if Ch sticks to this decision. Either Ch will see his true colors, or he will guilt the hell out of her. But again, I hope it at least proves to him that she is very confused. I don't know...did I do the right thing? I only stated the truth in my note. I could have said so much more. ::sigh:: I guess whatever happens, I will accept it. I can't keep fighting back all these emotions.

Feeling Smug

2006-04-27T16:58:00.000-04:00

So Ch had a meeting today to review her 504 plan for school. For those who don't know it's a document that lists accomodations for her to help her do her best in school. Well Carla wasn't going to go because she is still hurt. She ended up having to be to work early anyways. So, I decided I was going to go. I am the one who pushed to have her tested and get this done. I figured that 1 of 2 things would happen. 1) Charlie would be there and he'd been annoyed that I was there. Or 2) He wouldn't show, and I could feel superior about the fact that he either forgot or didn't think it was important. Also, if he didn't show, I didn't want there to be no one present for her meeting. Well, Charlie didn't show. Hahahahah. Of course, I want to call and rub it in about the fact that he is supposedly so interested in her education, yet didn't make the time to go. He will, I'm sure, tell Carla that she should have reminded him. We told him the date and time..why should we have to remind him??!! Nothing major happened at the meeting. She is most likely going to remain in the extra help classes. Which I think is good. I hate to think how she'd fare without them. The teacher mentioned that she had talked to the other stepmother (I think she must call Ch's teachers every week!!) and how she cut Ch's reading time from 20 min per night to 10 min per night. I know Ch hates to read, but I think that cutting her reading time only allows her to get her own way. They let her sit in front of the TV for hours. Even my 2nd grader has to read 20 min a day! Anyways, I was glad I went to the meeting. And him not showing up just proves that he really doesn't pay attention to what's going on nor does he really care! I am dreading tomorrow...seeing her. And now Carla is working late, so I'll be the one at home. Ugh!

The Therapist

2006-04-26T12:14:00.000-04:00

So, a few a you have mentioned the "conflict of interest" with the therapy situation. I have to say, that out of everything, this is my biggest regret. I am the one who brought her here. At the time, it didn't seem like a problem. Only now, in hindsight, is it the biggest mistake. I really should have pulled her out of this therapist when Charlie got involved. But I didn't. Now it's too late. They are the ones who take her each week. Even if we told him to stop taking her, he wouldn't. All I can hope is that maybe once he decides he has "won", he will want to stop taking her. The therapist would have served her purpose. I did, however, go and talk to the therapist myself. And I was angry. Oh, and for those who said that Carla should be able to show her anger..according to Deb, the therapist, anger is not an emotion. It is only a cover up for sad or scared. The therapist doesn't see any problem with what she did. I told her how we told Ch that we didn't want this done this time in Deb's office. Well, since we didn't tell her, she said, she didn't know, and therefore made the call to Carla. She says that she only did what Ch wanted. As far as the whole saga, she kept coming back to one point: Carla gave Ch the choice. She said Carla was the parent, and in that respect, she didn't have to allow Ch to make the choice if she wasn't comfortable with it. I told her that Carla felt pressured, and that Charlie had twisted and manipulated things. Again, she said "Carla gave Ch the choice". I told Deb if we had our way, Ch wouldn't come back to her office. I'm sure she doesn't see it as a conflict of interest. I think it's more of a conflict now than before. She couldn't understand why I was so upset. She doesn't see it as losing a part of our family. She again talked about how it wasn't fair to show such anger to Ch because she was a child, and only did what Carla allowed. I tried to explain how we felt betrayed because of how Ch went about it..lying and then dropping this in our laps out of the blue. She asked if I wanted to come in with Carla. I told her Carla would never step foot in her office again. She asked what I was going to do now. I said I was just going to live my life. She asked "don't you want to try to be happy". When I said I had tried, she asked what I had done. So I blurted "5 1/2 yrs here for one thing!" She said "I don't have a magic wand that I can wave over you and fix what's wrong". She says I hate Charlie because he represents someone from my past. How about I hate him because he's a manipulative asshole who wasn't happy until he got out of paying child support by destroying our family? Guess that's not enough. Well, when the session was up, I basically just got up and walked out. She didn't say anything. I never said in so many words that I wasn't going back. But I guess she got the hint, as she didn't call the next week to see where I was. I wanted to tell her not to even ask Ch about our family..to leave us out of whatever crap she was trying to accomplish. I blame her for not telling Ch that she needed to talk to her mother. She enables her to hide and not have to take responsibility for her decisions. Everyone knew about this before us. The girl is 11 yrs old, and Carla has never given her any reason to fear her. She voices her opinion and gives us attitude about everything else..but she can't do this?! I told Carla I wish we could find another therapist for us and Ch. On one hand, I want to just wash my hands of her. On the other, she is our child, and I don't want to watch Carla and her relationship slip completely away. I mentioned that Charlie walked out on his mom to live with his dad at 14. Well they still barely speak, 22 yrs later. I just don't know if another therapist would be counterproductive. I know one thing...if we ever do decide to go to a therapist with Ch, it will be with explicit instructions that the ex is to have no part of it at all, nor will he be allowed to call and dictate what's going on. Friday is the first day I will see Ch since this has happened. I have no idea how I'm going to react. We are getting family pics done this weekend. Call me childish...I don't even want her in them. I'm just sick over this, and can't imagine a time when it will be better.

Burnt by the Fires of Hell (Part 3)

2006-04-25T23:48:00.000-04:00

Ch left on the bus Monday morning, April 3rd around 7:00am. About 10:15am I had just gotten to the mall, when I received a call from Carla. She had just gotten a call from Deb, the therapist. Deb said that Charleen had made a decision and she wanted Carla to come in at 3:00 to talk about it. According to Deb, Charleen had made the decision the previous Monday, but didn't tell us over the weekend, because she "didn't want to deal with it". So obviously, we knew what the decision was going to be. This is where the anger and resentment flared up. I told Carla not to go to the therapist..that Ch needed to be held to what we said about giving the decision straight to us. Carla just wanted it over with. I was so angry. Angry that she had lied to us, lied to her grandmother, and totally ignored everything we said. I couldn't understand how someone could turn their back on their mother like that. And of course, I was blaming myself. Although, over the course of the previous months, I had told Ch that we wanted her to come home..that she belonged with her mom, etc. It pissed me off that she was leaving because of stupid things: she could watch TV all the time over there...there were less rules...less chores...and less accountability. All the reasons most kids probably choose the other parent. But no matter what the reasons, it hurt like hell. So Carla and I argued back and forth, both saying things we didn't mean. My friend that I was meeting at the mall invited me back to her house so that I wasn't alone and upset. Finally 3:00 rolled around. Carla went to the therapist's. The first words out of Ch's mouth were "you're going to be mad". Carla asked her for a reason why. The therapist started in with "you told her you'd accept whatever decision she made". Carla said she would, but that she wanted a reason. Ch's reason that she gave was that she was doing better in school over there (Not true). Carla, for some reason, didn't push her for a better reason, or even a more truthful reason. Carla was obviously upset. The therapist told Carla that she couldn't show her anger towards Ch. What??!! Carla said that was bullshit. That every decision in life had a consequence, and that Ch needed to learn that. I guess Ch didn't stay long. Afterwards, the therapist was trying to talk to Carla. Carla didn't want to hear it. We both blamed the therapist for letting Charlie manipulate this decision in the first place. We both felt when he called her, that she should have directed him to Carla, and not played middleman. Carla ended up walking out on the therapist when she said something to her about not losing Ch. Because to us, we have lost her. The ex walked out on his mother at age 14 to go live with his dad and live how he wanted. He had now succeeded in getting his daughter to do the same thing. When Carla came home, I could see she had been crying. For her, it's very rare. I just held her. Later, I broke down myself. I tried to get her, again, to make Ch come home. But she doesn't have the energy to fight it, and we don't have the money. And he would fight us. Ch probably wouldn't really have the choice if we fought it. We don't abuse our kids, and we provide for them. I know others who have treated their kids badly and still kept them. But Carla is just broken now. At that time, I was pissed that it would be a month before we saw her. I wanted her in front of me then, to just blast her. Now, 3 wks later, it's probably a good thing that we've had space. In the 3 wks since Ch left here, she's called once. When Carla has called her, she hasn't had much to say. Worse, she has been at her best friend's house every weekend..ACROSS THE STREET, and has not even come over to say hi. We only know she was there because our oldest has told us. I know that money and things don't buy a child's love. But I wish someone could tell me how we lost this child. We watched her do karate and paid for it for 5 yrs. Her father never helped pay, and hardly attended any events. We watched her play soccer. Her father went to 1 game. We sent these kids on field trips that cost $400..he never paid a dime. I know child support covers some costs....but there are some things that are extra that he should help out with. He paid child support this year while she lived with him...and so even made her call us to ask for lunch money!! I don't even know how to deal with her now. I feel she has ripped apart this family at its very core. Does our life run more smoothly without her antagonizing everyone? Yes. But does that mean we shouldn't want her back? This child is lost in more ways than one. She doesn't know what she wants unless someone is pulling strings. Isn't it amazing that he wouldn't help pay for karate camp ($400) last year..but this year he is sending her to the local camp for $275? Bribery is a wonderful thing. As soon as she moved in he gave her her own room. It makes me sick. All we can do, like Carla says, is hope that one day she sees him for the person he really is. And one day, we can hope she realizes what she gave up by leaving our family. For now, the wound is wide and gaping...and it feels like it will never heal.

And then back to hell again...

2006-04-21T09:31:00.000-04:00

So the school year started. Ch entered 6th grade. I was upset because we always do first day of school pictures and she wasn't there that first morning. So I compromised and picked her up that afternoon, and we all went to dinner and did pictures of the kids outside, as usual. The girls' great grandmother had started this, and I continued the tradition, even before Jacob was in school. Things went okay, and I tried to stop being so resentful. October rolled around and Cadence was born. Surprisingly, Ch adored her. In my naivete, I thought maybe this would make her want to return home. Christmas rolled around, and I had a hard time spending on her what we spend on the kids. I didn't see the point in spending so much money on someone who wasn't around. Occasionally we would ask her if she knew what she was going to decide. She'd get upset and cry and whine "I don't know." In the meantime, I continued to see my therapist (who was the same as Ch's). I was so pissed off because when this happened, she basically told me that what I felt or thought on the subject didn't matter because she wasn't MY child. Well that hurt me to the core. Carla had put me in "mom" position and given me her kids to raise along with my own. The therapist, who we'll call Deb, said that I could feel hurt, but that it really wasn't my place to get so irritated. The first report card rolled around. And let me tell you, I wanted HIM to fail. Not for Ch to fail, but for him to get the same crap from her that we did. More background: Ch is diagnosed as ADHD..something I had pushed for. As a teacher, I could see the attention problems she was having. The doctor recommended meds. for her, and we agreed. It made a world of difference. She went from failing, to A's, B's, and a couple C's. This was about 2 yrs ago. We had her further tested for learning disabilities. Well, it came back that she has a language processing problem. So, basically she has a learning disability..but because of the ADHD, they won't classify her. So instead, she got a 504..which is just a document that allows her to have special modifications. Anyways..once she got to dad's, he took her off meds. His excuse? She didn't need them anymore because she wasn't living with ME!! Can you say "denial"? So the first report card rolled around from living with him. She did very well. I was a little peeved, and of course, he thinks he's just so great. As a teacher, I know that the first quarter is usually review. So I figure we'll see how well he keeps up with it. We still got called for a conference for her. She is in extra classes for reading, math, and writing. According to one of her teacher's, her reading comp. is at the 2nd grade level. Yet, her father doesn't think she has a problem. So anyways, I am fuming that he has undone all the work I've done to try and help her. The next report card comes. She dropped significantly in several subjects. But no one, including her teachers, seem concerned. Carla and I are irritated, because we don't want her to fall into a hole. Amusingly enough, Ch has also started to show the same patterns of behavior: forgetting homework, leaving assignment books at school, etc. The ex is beginning to realize that it's not so easy. Of course, unlike us, they baby her, and treat her like she's 5. I complain to Carla that she is never going to learn responsibility and that she's going to be unprepared for real life. She refuses to listen to me, and thinks that this is a lesson that Ch needs to learn on her own. Soooo, as the months pass, I see changes in Ch. She has become more defiant, more full of complaints, and puberty is also starting to set in. I can't stand how she treats my son, J, most of the time. The relationship between her and her older sister, which was not great to begin with, is GONE. C views what Ch did as a betrayal to her mother. I don't see that relationship ever getting fixed. And I wonder how Cadence will view her...a part time sister? A stranger? Now fast forward to 3.5 weeks ago. Although Ch originally was supposed to make a final decision at the end of the school year, we had asked her to have a decision by May 1. She takes karate and that is when the contract has to be re-signed. So she was here that weekend, and I reminded her that the next time she came (which would be almost a month, because of our trip to Hawaii) that she needed to have a decision. She just kind of shrugged her shoulders. Later that day, her grandma was out walking with her. She asked her if she knew what she was going to do. Ch told her she didn't know. So later, when talking with my MIL, she said "I don't think she really knows what she wants". We had also told Ch that this time, we wanted her to tell us the decision. That it would not be a conversation that happened in the therapist's office. We didn't want that because we felt that her father manipulated the situation before she went into the office. Carla even told her she could put it in writing if she needed to. Well, this same weekend, her and J were outside playing. Next thing I know, J is screaming, and comes into the house with blood pouring from his head! Ch's story is that they were throwing sticks at each other. Well, while that may have been true, any other time she tattles on him. No, instead, my son has a hold in his head (a small one) and he is bleeding. I was furious. Out of anger, I said "I don't want you here anymore". In hindsight, it wasn't the most brilliant thing to say, but I was so upset. Little did I know that it was only the beginning.

To Hell and Back..

2006-04-05T22:11:00.000-04:00

It's hard to believe it's been over a year since this hellish situation started. To give a brief background, I have seen a therapist for 5 1/2 yrs now to deal with some childhood issues. Well, my youngest stepdaughter, Ch, was seeing a therapist. We didn't like her, and so was looking for another. My therapist said she didn't normally deal with children, but she would see her. So things were going okay. Well, Ch's father and I have issues. So in order to try to maintain "family harmony" the therapist asked if he and I would come to a session together. I agreed. Nothing came out of it, except that he said that Ch had asked to try and live with him. This was Dec. 2004. Needless to say, I was floored. She had never mentioned it. Supposedly, she was scared to tell her mother. So I had to go home and tell this to Carla. She talked to Ch, and Ch was really wishy washy about it. So finally the ex came over and Ch was made to sit in front of both of them and say what she wanted once and for all so that we stopped having the "he said, she said" game. So she said she wanted to try living with her dad. Carla asked for how long. Two months? No, Ch said "not THAT long". So it was agreed upon that she would go for a month. There was lots of hurt feelings and crying. Ok..so the month is over and everything is okay. Well, a few months later, the ex calls the therapist (what the fuck right did he have??) and said that Carla said Ch could choose where she wanted to live for the school year. The therapist agreed that she remembered that conversation. Neither Carla nor I remembered it, but we were sure that something was said and taken out of context. So now, Ch is presented with this choice. So one day after the therapist, Ch says to Carla "I'm probably going to stay with you". Carla and I are happy and relieved that this is over. So..the NEXT week..after a weekend with her father..we get a call from the therapist. Ch has decided to live with her father for the school year. WHAT??!! You could have knocked us over with a feather. We were devastated. I told Carla not to let her go..that she had been manipulated by her father. See, Ch is a very immature girl. At the time, she was 10. She has always been a very needy child. She also has low self esteem. She is a follower. Easily swayed and manipulated. She was getting ready to enter middle school. I told Carla that Ch was too unsure, and went back and forth, and that I didn't think she really knew what she wanted. But Carla wouldn't listen. She felt that by giving her a choice she was enabling her to learn from her experience. Plus she said if it made her happy, then it was the right choice. I told her that this was going to destroy our family. I felt very hurt that for the last 5 years, I had been raising this child, but I now had no say in what was going on. So around August or so, we went ahead and had her go to her dad's. I wasn't going to deal with her giving me attitude because she knew she was going to her dad's. By this time of course, I was pregnant, and Carla assured me that once the baby came, I would not be so upset and worried about this situation. It took me a while, but I adjusted and started looking forward to our new arrival. Carla also let Ch know that at the end of the school year, she would need to decide where she wanted to live permanently. So we settled in for the school year ahead. TO BE CONTINUED.....

First cold

2006-01-25T16:25:00.000-05:00

Cadence is sick. I think she just has a cold. But I have made her a doctor's appointment just in case. She has been kind of froggy sounding and coughing the past couple of days. I am just hoping that it doesn't turn into anything worse. Last night was a rough night. Cadence was up more than usual, and ate more than usual. During the evening, she got to coughing so hard that she threw up. It's hard to know how to make her feel better. We have been running our cool mist humidifier, and we rub her chest and back with Baby Vicks to help her breathe better. We tried to elevate the head of the bassinet, but then she kept rolling to the side! Of course, it doesn't help that she has pretty much outgrown the bassinet. But that's another post! So she ended up sleeping with me for a good bit of the night. She has been cranky all afternoon! She sleeps in spurts, and pretty much only if I am holding her. ::sigh:: I hope she feels better soon.

A Year Ago

2006-01-23T11:47:00.000-05:00

This week last year is when I got pregnant. It seems amazing to me, as I sit looking at my 3 month old. I can't believe that we were lucky enough to find this amazing donor. And that we were fortunate enough to get pregnant so easily. Although my somewhat difficult pregnancy more than made up for the easy conception! Some days I can't believe she is really here. You'd think after 3 months of interrupted sleep that it would be real! After my horrid case of the baby blues, I was worried about not bonding with her. Now, I can't imagine not feeling this overwhelming sense of love and devotion. It's so awesome to be the center of her world. I love when Carla is holding her and Cadence turns her head and just stares at me. Although she recognizes and smiles at Carla, or other family members, she has this great big smile that she saves just for me. I love when people say she looks just like me. Although she doesn't have my mouth, and she has these beautiful blue eyes, while mine are green, I can definately see myself in her. It tickles me when someone asks how she is so tall, because Carla and I aren't tall at all. It feels good that people truly see her as mine and Carla's, and not mine and some nameless guy. I guess I'm rambling, but I wanted to celebrate this one year anniversary of when this beautiful little life first began.

Labor Story..Finally posted

2005-11-03T18:05:00.000-05:00

Carla and I had gone to bed around 10:00 I think on Monday, Oct. 10th, 2005. I had been having false labor pains for about a week, on and off. I had seen the doc on Friday, and was 2 cm, still thick. We went to the mall and did some walking to try and get the contractions that I was having to become more regular. We went to bed. I started having some bad pains. Carla dozed off to sleep and I laid there for awhile trying to go to sleep. Around 11:00, I was feeling hungry and decided to get up and eat. I got something to snack on, a Healthy Moms bar and a glass of milk, and sat down at the computer. Around 11:45, I noticed the pains were still coming, so I started timing them. Finally, we were having some regularity. They were coming in at about 5 min apart. At 12:45, I told Carla "I think this may be it". So at 1:00am we called the doctor. He said it sounded like real labor to him, and to go on to the hospital, that he would call and let them know we were coming.

So we had to get Jacob out of bed. We just grabbed his backpack, that we had packed previously, and a blanket. We put him in the car with his blanket. We then had to drive to Carla's mom's house, 20 min in the opposite direction of the hospital. We then went to the hospital.

We checked into Labor & Delivery triage around 2:00 am. There was one other person in there that had come in the door with us. When the nurse checked me, I was still only about 1.5 to 2 cm and thick, baby's head up high. So she called doc and let him know. They told us to walk for about an hour. So I walked around the L&D floor for a while. Stopping every few minutes for the contractions. I went back to triage. Still no change. But they hooked me up to the monitors and all was fine. I asked about pain meds, because I was hurting pretty good. Let me tell you this nurse in triage was a nut job!! She acted so clueless. She said that she didn't usually work in L&D. Duh! lol So when she talked to the doc again around 6am, he said to admit me, and that I could have some IV pain meds. Here is where things started to get bad.

The nurse tried to start my IV line. She blew out 2 of my veins! I had heard her blow out the vein of a patient next to me about half an hour earlier. So then another nurse tried, and still no go. Finally, the IV team was called in and she got in with no problem. So it took 4 painful tries to get my IV started. Carla was calling the triage nurse "Nurse Ratched" by this point. To her face! lol I was then able to have Stadol, and it was mixed with Phenergan to prevent nausea. Night night! I was so tired. I woke up a bit later feeling very hungry. I was able to have some cereal. The doc came in and checked me..I think I was 3 cm. This was around 7am I believe. He palpitated my belly, and said the baby felt about 8 1/2 lbs.

It was a couple hours later before they were able to get me into a room. We were told they were very busy. We got one of the last rooms on the floor. Anyone past that, they sent to the annex wing. They hooked me back up to the monitors and I was set to go. About an hour or so later the new doc on call (whom I had seen several times in office) came in to check me. I was 3 cm and thinning out. She asked if I wanted more pain meds. Finally, I was offered the blessed epidural. In no time at all the anesthesiologist was there. How's this for a name? Dr. Gut..lol.

This was a horrible experience. The epidural I had with Jacob was almost painless. This epidural was straight out of hell. It was so painful I couldn't wait for it to be over. Once it kicked in, I felt much better. I could move my legs enough to move around, but felt little pain. Carla says I slept a lot, but I don't remember it being that much. The baby's heart rate wouldn't stay on the monitor, so they had me move to my side. It hurt a whole lot, so they moved me back a while later. Even with the epidural, I was feeling some of the contractions. They didn't have any more pumps for the epi, so it was just a continuous stream.

Now I didn't see the doc for about 6 hours or better. Each time the nurse would come in, she told us how busy it was and how the Dr. was going from operating room to operating room. The nurse finally checked me and I was still only 4 cm..thinning, but baby's head was up high. Finally, the doctor came back right before 8pm. I was still at 4cm and baby's head was not coming down. We had asked about breaking the water, but she said it was too risky with the baby's head up that high. She said we could try and force the issue to have the baby vaginally. Not sure what that would have entailed. But after almost 20 hrs, I said I just wanted a c-section. She agreed that was probably the best course of action.

So we were wheeled into the OR soon after. They prepped me and then Carla came in. It was so weird how numb I was after they added more meds to the epidural. I didn't feel anything. Carla kept peeking around the curtain. Finally, I heard them say something about a cord around the baby's neck. Carla says it was only once, and the nurse says it wasn't tight. Seconds later, at 8:52 pm, on October 11th, I heard her cry. I started crying too. Cadence Rhiannon entered the world screaming for all she was worth. She sounded really mad! lol The doctor held her up over the curtain, but I only got a brief look because she dripped blood and amniotic fluid in my eye! I started dozing a bit. I heard them say she was 8lbs 3 oz. Finally, Carla was able to go around the curtain and be with the baby. She was excited about getting to see them sewing up my uterus! lol A few minutes later, Carla brought Cadence over for me to see. She kept saying "look, she looks just like Jacob". It was then time to go to the nursery. Carla asked if I was ok so she could go with the baby.

I dozed off. The next thing I remember was them taking the epidural tape off my back and removing the epidural. He had told me taking off the tape would be the worst part. It was nothing compared to putting the epi in! Less than an hour after she was born, I was back in my room, asking if they were almost done in the nursery. Finally Carla brought the baby in, and I was able to hold her. It was a very surreal experience.

Carla stayed with me the first night, but had to go home the next couple of days for the other kids. I sent Cadence to the nursery at night usually so I could sleep. They would bring her to me to nurse. On Thursday, they said that she had jaundice. She was also having uric acid crystals in her diaper. So they suggested giving her some formula to hydrate her. Between that and the jaundice, we relented, and Carla gave her her first bottle. She then had to go under the bili lights. She was under there for about 14 hrs. Her levels weren't super high, but they were being cautious. I started to cry when they said she might have to stay a day or two.

Fortunately her levels came down, and she was able to come home with us on Friday afternoon. She is doing fine now.

So there is my story. I hope I remembered everything. It's hard to remember with Jacob from 7 1/2 yrs ago, so I wanted to make sure I wrote this down to share, and to remember.

My hospital and doctor was fantastic, even if it was a little crazy. I wasn't ready to go home! But even with our rough start, I'm glad she's here. Thanks if you've read this far!

The Waiting Game

2005-10-10T10:02:00.000-04:00

Well I have been having contractions on and off for about a week now. The constant backache that goes with it is no fun, let me tell you. A couple of hours a day, if I'm lucky, I get pain free time. And the phone calls have begun! Arghhh! That's what I get for thinking that Thursday night was going to be it. The good news is that at least my body is readying itself. I am 2 cm dilated, and my cervix is softening. It has moved from the back to the front. Baby's head is still pretty high though. I have lost my mucus plug. Now if I could just get these contractions to start and keep coming at regular intervals. I keep praying for my water to break. But only 1 in 1o women actually have that happen on their own. I've never had the odds in my favor! Carla and I are both impatient. The bag is packed, the carseat is installed. We even have a babysitter for the older kids. Hell, even my name change is final! Woohoo! Of course I still have to change it on everything. So here we sit, awaiting our daughter. Please come out baby girl. We are all eager to see you.

It's Finally October!

2005-10-01T22:55:00.000-04:00

Ahh October! This is the month in which I will finally meet my baby girl. Some people say to me "you hope". No, I know, as my doctors will not allow me to go more than a week over. So sometime in the next 25 days my daughter will make her arrival into this world. I can't wait to see how big the Amazon princess actually is. I wonder what she will look like. Will she have my nose? Will she have lots of hair? Will she be long and thin, or short and chunky? The only thing I know for sure is that she will be absolutely beautiful. I adore my son, but I have always longed for a daughter as well. Yes I have 2 stepdaughters. However, I didn't have them as babies. They were already little people with their own personalities when I met them. Has anyone ever heard that saying, "A son is your son until he takes a wife, but your daughter is your daughter for the rest of your life"? Of course, I hope my son is one of those dutiful sons who adores his mother. But I know that most of the time, when it comes time for your kids to marry and have kids, the women seem to cling to their mothers more. Okay, I'm rambling now. September ended on a really bad note in my house. So I am hoping that this little one makes her arrival soon to herald in better days. I can't wait to meet her!

Are we There Yet?

2005-09-21T00:16:00.000-04:00

Ok, I'm officially tired of being pregnant! I can't sleep! I am up because I had a belly ache. Plus my legs are restless. I am up every 2 hours to go to the bathroom. Carla started her new job today. If this is what the job entails, I'm not gonna be a happy camper. She worked 12 hours! I was so upset when she called and told me she still had another store to visit that I started crying. Her response? "I didn't have to make the call you know". Great. My darling son, he starts asking me what's wrong and patting my shoulder. He's such a sweet and compassionate kid. I had my first NST today. Everything went well. Baby was cooperative so I didn't have to sit forever. The nurse said I was having contractions, but they were "teeny tiny". I have 4 weeks left now. I'd like to go a little early, but I guess we'll see what the baby has in mind. Okay...enough whinging for now. Guess I'll try and get some sleep!

Wow how time flies!

2005-09-12T14:04:00.000-04:00

Has it really been a month since I posted? Time doesn't seem to go that fast for me when I am living it. Kids are back at school now. I am enjoying the peace and quiet. I have found some playgroups to join in anticipation of the baby's arrival. I am going to be a stay at home mom this year, which I have never done, so I figured I better find something to occupy some of our time in order to preserve my sanity. I have finally found some peace with the stepdaughter situation. The last 2 visits have been pleasant. We are getting along better, and I think she is seeing that life at her dad's isn't really any different than being with us. She has two stepsisters there, very close in age, and she doesn't get along with one of them. The other one, who is the same age/grade, teases her occasionally. It will be interesting to see the first report card. Her stepsister, R, (the one the same age) is very smart, and there have already been remarks made in years past in comparison. Ch is ADHD, but her father refuses to believe it. He somehow thinks that she only needs the medication because she lives with me! Adderall is not a mood elevator! I am a teacher, and I don't advocate drugging a kid all the time, but it does help her focus when she is in school. Her teachers notice a difference when she doesn't take it. We don't give it to her on weekends or holidays because it's mainly for concentration purposes. He just hates me so much that he doesn't want to listen to anything I say. He isn't a parent anyways. His wife does all the activities, etc. Even though I am the "mom" in my house, Carla still attends sporting events when she isn't working, and shows an interest in her kids activities. He acts like he is father of the universe, and he doesn't even drive his child to karate practice. He sits at home while his wife does it. Arghhhh!! I could go on and on. Jacob started 2nd grade this year. So far so good. I hope he doesn't get back into the clowning like he did before. He loves to make people laugh, and thinks everything is funny. C, the older stepdaughter is in 8th grade this year. She is playing volleyball, and her brain is on permanent vacation! Carla just got a promotion at work again. She is now basically a "junior" district manager. She will be in charge of 5 stores. She is scared, but I am so proud of her. She has only been with the company for 18 months. So she will be traveling, but only within an hour or so of home. And eventually, it will be pretty much a Monday-Friday thing, with the occasional weekend. Yippee! As for me, I am almost 35 weeks pregnant! Yikes! Still haven't packed my hospital bag. We did get wills and health care proxies done though to protect the baby. Carla will be adopting once she is actually here. Baby is still big. I am nervous about the delivery, but I am holding out hope till the end that I won't need a c-section. Whew! Think I am caught up for now.

Can't Wait Till Saturday

2005-08-15T21:32:00.000-04:00

Just got off the phone with my horrid ex hubby. Turns out my son will be home Saturday morning instead of Sunday. Yayy! A whole day early. I can't wait. It's been nothing but a pain in the ass all summer just trying to track J down to talk to him. It seems like every time he called me he said "i can't talk long". I swear they had him call me when they knew they would have to rush him off the phone. Tonight, he called from the Sears Portrait Studio. WTF?? Why would you have him call when you knew he was taking pictures? Oh that's right, because my ex hates my guts!! Anyways, my baby will be home in 4 days. Then begins the countdown to back to school. Just had to share my excitement. 8 weeks is a long time to be without my beautiful boy!

What a Mess!

2005-08-14T13:24:00.000-04:00

Well got an early morning call from my sister. Evidently at my dad's birthday party last night, my 3 1/2 year old niece wandered off and somehow managed to get hurt. She was in my cousin's Florida room, got on their treadmill, which was on high speed, and turned it on. The treadmill evidently was against the wall, so she was essentially trapped on it. From what I am told, she is covered in what my sister describes as "road rash". There was a paramedic at the party, who looked over her and said she would be fine. But my sister called the pediatrician last night and he recommended taking her to the hospital, where they might give her something to help her sleep (she was in a lot of pain). When she got there, they said they wanted to x-ray her foot to check for anything broken. My sister said they x-rayed every bone in her body. Any alarm bells ringing for you yet? Yep, they called CPS on my sister. My niece is one of those kids who constantly has little bruises on her legs and stuff. So between those and the accident, the hospital is suspicious. So my sister is now waiting for someone to show up at her house. Now, my sister does not abuse her kids, but I do think she is a bit neglectful at times. Her kids have drank medicine, drank bubbles, and this same niece got out unnoticed at 2 yrs old and was found by a neighbor wandering down the road. For those who know me, you know she has 4 kids under the age of 4. She is definately in over her head. It's one of those things that make you wonder why God dishes out more than people can handle. As Carla says "If it was anyone but your sister, wouldn't YOU wonder what kind of parent she was?" I live too far away to be of any assistance, so I worry about the kids alot. It's a bad situation. It's so frustrating sometimes and everyone defends her "ohh she does the best with what she has", or "she's a good mother". I just want to ask "why doesn't she do a better job of watching her kids?" But then I just get yelled at for being unsupportive. I'm in a no win situation. So I just try to be sympathetic. What else can I do?

Sick!

2005-08-12T23:47:00.000-04:00

Well I have a sinus infection that just started 3 days ago. It's already moving down into my chest. Hence, the reason I am up so late tonight. I can't stop wheezing long enough to go to sleep. Waiting for the Tylenol PM to help me sleep. Had my 30 wk OB appointment today. Everything is fine. Baby's heartbeat is good, and she had the hiccups! I don't know why I can't feel them. Asked about how late they would let me go past my due date. She said probably no more than a week, but that they would strip my membranes once I started dilating. I can't believe it is less than 10 weeks left. I have lost almost 20 lbs since the beginning of this pregnancy. The baby is growing well, so I shouldn't be concerned. But I can't help it. So I have to go to the nutritionist on Tuesday. They will put me back on the nutritional supplements again. Boost, here we come! They don't taste that bad to me. It's just so hot, who wants to eat. Now add the sickness on top, and who wants to eat food they can't taste? Okay, enough whining for tonight. Maybe I will go play on POGO until I am sufficiently tired. Good night!

Congrats to E and J

2005-08-11T12:19:00.000-04:00

My friends E and J have finally had their precious baby! Welcome to the world Charles David. I can't believe he weighed 11 lbs 6 oz. Holy cow! Makes my own Princess Whopper look like a Lilliputian in comparison! haha Can't wait to hear the official story and see the big boy's pictures! I'm so happy for you!

All About Me!

2005-08-10T17:16:00.000-04:00

Ok, for those who don't know me, my name is Kris. I am a 31 year old woman in a lesbian relationship with my partner, Carla, aged 34. We are a blended, or as I like to call it, "mixed up" family. She has two daughters...C, age 13 and CH, age 10. I have a son, J, age 7. They are from previous het. marriages. We are currently 30 wks pregnant with our first child together, a little girl. We live in the beautiful Hudson Valley in New York. I am a teacher, but am going to be a stay at home mom, at least for the next year. I just finished my Masters Degree in Literacy Education. Woohoo!! Carla is a manager for a retail store. I figured that so many of my online friends have these cool blogs, that I should try one too. We are currently in the throes of dealing with the fact that my younger stepdaughter has decided to move in with her scumbag father for the school year. So I'm sure you will hear me gripe alot about that whole situation. Well, that's it for my first major post. Feel free to chat back!

Up Late again

2005-08-10T02:39:00.000-04:00

Well, just trying out my first post. I'll do an introductory post tomorrow for those who don't know me. I hope to keep up with this as I have a lot to say lately and not enough people to listen! Geez I sound pathetic already huh? :o)