Burnt by the Fires of Hell (Part 3)

Ch left on the bus Monday morning, April 3rd around 7:00am. About 10:15am I had just gotten to the mall, when I received a call from Carla. She had just gotten a call from Deb, the therapist. Deb said that Charleen had made a decision and she wanted Carla to come in at 3:00 to talk about it. According to Deb, Charleen had made the decision the previous Monday, but didn't tell us over the weekend, because she "didn't want to deal with it". So obviously, we knew what the decision was going to be. This is where the anger and resentment flared up. I told Carla not to go to the therapist..that Ch needed to be held to what we said about giving the decision straight to us. Carla just wanted it over with. I was so angry. Angry that she had lied to us, lied to her grandmother, and totally ignored everything we said. I couldn't understand how someone could turn their back on their mother like that. And of course, I was blaming myself. Although, over the course of the previous months, I had told Ch that we wanted her to come home..that she belonged with her mom, etc. It pissed me off that she was leaving because of stupid things: she could watch TV all the time over there...there were less rules...less chores...and less accountability. All the reasons most kids probably choose the other parent. But no matter what the reasons, it hurt like hell. So Carla and I argued back and forth, both saying things we didn't mean. My friend that I was meeting at the mall invited me back to her house so that I wasn't alone and upset. Finally 3:00 rolled around. Carla went to the therapist's. The first words out of Ch's mouth were "you're going to be mad". Carla asked her for a reason why. The therapist started in with "you told her you'd accept whatever decision she made". Carla said she would, but that she wanted a reason. Ch's reason that she gave was that she was doing better in school over there (Not true). Carla, for some reason, didn't push her for a better reason, or even a more truthful reason. Carla was obviously upset. The therapist told Carla that she couldn't show her anger towards Ch. What??!! Carla said that was bullshit. That every decision in life had a consequence, and that Ch needed to learn that. I guess Ch didn't stay long. Afterwards, the therapist was trying to talk to Carla. Carla didn't want to hear it. We both blamed the therapist for letting Charlie manipulate this decision in the first place. We both felt when he called her, that she should have directed him to Carla, and not played middleman. Carla ended up walking out on the therapist when she said something to her about not losing Ch. Because to us, we have lost her. The ex walked out on his mother at age 14 to go live with his dad and live how he wanted. He had now succeeded in getting his daughter to do the same thing. When Carla came home, I could see she had been crying. For her, it's very rare. I just held her. Later, I broke down myself. I tried to get her, again, to make Ch come home. But she doesn't have the energy to fight it, and we don't have the money. And he would fight us. Ch probably wouldn't really have the choice if we fought it. We don't abuse our kids, and we provide for them. I know others who have treated their kids badly and still kept them. But Carla is just broken now. At that time, I was pissed that it would be a month before we saw her. I wanted her in front of me then, to just blast her. Now, 3 wks later, it's probably a good thing that we've had space. In the 3 wks since Ch left here, she's called once. When Carla has called her, she hasn't had much to say. Worse, she has been at her best friend's house every weekend..ACROSS THE STREET, and has not even come over to say hi. We only know she was there because our oldest has told us. I know that money and things don't buy a child's love. But I wish someone could tell me how we lost this child. We watched her do karate and paid for it for 5 yrs. Her father never helped pay, and hardly attended any events. We watched her play soccer. Her father went to 1 game. We sent these kids on field trips that cost $400..he never paid a dime. I know child support covers some costs....but there are some things that are extra that he should help out with. He paid child support this year while she lived with him...and so even made her call us to ask for lunch money!! I don't even know how to deal with her now. I feel she has ripped apart this family at its very core. Does our life run more smoothly without her antagonizing everyone? Yes. But does that mean we shouldn't want her back? This child is lost in more ways than one. She doesn't know what she wants unless someone is pulling strings. Isn't it amazing that he wouldn't help pay for karate camp ($400) last year..but this year he is sending her to the local camp for $275? Bribery is a wonderful thing. As soon as she moved in he gave her her own room. It makes me sick. All we can do, like Carla says, is hope that one day she sees him for the person he really is. And one day, we can hope she realizes what she gave up by leaving our family. For now, the wound is wide and gaping...and it feels like it will never heal.