A few pics to tide you over

Okay, so I'm a bad blogger again...but here is a cutie pie to make you smile!







Stop back by soon! :o)

What a difference a year makes!

Ok, so really it's only 10 months! But wow, how fast they grow!

Last year on her birthday:



Yesterday, at the same place:



What happened to my baby??

What am I doing wrong?

For the past 6 years, I have been trying to get a job. Not just any job. A teaching job, in the elementary field. Now, many people who read this will not understand. We all hear about how there are shortages in the teaching field. Well, I promise, these shortages are not at the elementary level. The shortages are most likely in the math and science field, or in special education in the upper levels. Or else shortages are in places like New York City. I have spent approximately 3 years in a local district that is considered inner city. When I moved here, people told me not to teach there, comparing it to a "jungle". However, this was much like the district that I worked in when I lived in Georgia. But really, it's better. The kids aren't quite as disrespectful. But even in this district that is considered "undesirable", there are few elementary jobs to be had. I have done long term positions for almost 3 years, but nothing permanent yet. I stay in this district because of the pay. It's $100/day. Other, nicer districts, pay only around $70-$75 a day. Before I got my Master's degree, I wouldn't even get called for interviews. For every elementary position that opens up, they get 300 applications!! I also have a Master's Degree in Literacy. At least now that I have the literacy degree, I have gotten a few interviews. I always think I interview poorly. I get too nervous. But my resume is, I think, pretty impressive. I had scholarships, honors, and my GPA was 3.47 and 3.95. I have very good reference letters. What am I doing wrong?? I am probably going to branch out to other districts in hopes that it will lead me to a job. I know in the district I live in, my son has had teachers that got the job after they were substitutes. This year will be the 3rd year he's had a "new" teacher. I'm wondering if I'm too qualified, and they are choosing the ones they will have to pay less?? I am also planning on getting a special education degree. Then, if I can't get a job, I think I'll just find a new profession. I'm so depressed over this, and could go on and on with what I've gone through. But I don't have the time or the energy right now to get into it. Ugh! I just want to teach. It's been my calling since I was 10 years old!

Testing, testing...1, 2, 3......

Just trying to see if I am able to add photos! Thanks to 2 of my online friends, I will start blogging again. I'm a little slow, and my life isn't THAT exciting, but I figure it will be good for posterity! :o)

How many shopping days left??

I cannot believe that it is almost Thanksgiving and I haven't even begun Christmas shopping yet. Usually by this time of year I am finished. We haven't had the greatest time financially though, so we have been waiting on my paycheck to go to full scale. I get my first "step" paycheck on Tuesday. Plus I get retro pay for the first 30 days. So we will be shopping with cash this year. Which of course, is always a good thing. We have a certain amount we spend on each child. Then we also have to factor in nieces and nephews. But this year, we will be doing less for them as we don't have as much. I find it absolutely amazing what some people spend on their kids. Take the latest Playstation. It costs $600!!!! And it's going for 5 times that on Ebay. What are people thinking?? Another hot toy is this FurReal Horse. It is a child sized horse that doesn't do much of anything. But it costs $250. One of my students the other day said she was getting it for Christmas. I often wonder how nice it would be to have that kind of money. I feel bad sometimes when my son asks for things that I really can't afford, or don't want to buy because I know he isn't careful with his things. My standard answer for items like that is "Ask your dad". However, I often wish that I could buy him some of those things. But that's a whole other story. I feel sad that Christmas is so commercialized and that my kids have been taught to expect so much at this time of year. I wish I had worked harder to teach them the true meaning of Christmas and giving. And sometimes I wonder if I still could, or if it's just too late.

My baby is 1 today

One year ago today, my beautiful little girl entered this world, screaming and yelling for all she was worth. Today, she is still a strong-willed little girl who makes known her opinion. One year ago, she was a tiny little bundle of joy with a rosebud mouth and slate blue eyes. Today, she is a blonde haired ray of sunshine with cornflower blue eyes that would melt the hardest heart. One year ago, she was a helpless newborn who depended on me for all things in her life. Today, she is an independent, mobile ball of energy who rarely slows down. One year ago, she was a sweet new little one who could melt my heart with an unblinking gaze. Today, she is a gorgeous, amazing beauty who fills me with overwhelming love each time she gives me those open mouthed kisses and lays her sweet-smelling head on my shoulder. I can't imagine my life without her.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRINCESS!

The Brady Bunch was full of shit

Is there any such thing as a truly blended family? One that is happy and one in which everyone is equal? Or is it always a struggle? I used to think we were one family. I used to think we were happy. Now, I don't think anything will ever be good again. The saga of Ch has been well documented here. I thought we were moving past it. But it seems we will never be able to. Carla says it's my fault. But in reality, I cannot say anything to Ch anymore without being accused of "having a tone" or being a bitch. I've basically been told that I am not allowed to say anything. So I decided to just cut her off. I said I wasn't doing anything for her anymore. Why should I when all I get for it is an attitude or criticism? I fought to get her help with her education. Now I'm told that I shouldn't worry about her grades. That I just want to "gloat" over her failures. What Carla doesn't understand is that it makes me sick to see her grades falling in the toilet when I know that if her father did what he needed to, she wouldn't be having so many problems. And Carla doesn't seem to care. I wish I didn't. Even with me saying that I wasn't going to do anything for her anymore, I find myself still doing stuff. I wanted to buy something else for her birthday. I bought a cake mix to make for her party. Yet, I'm constantly accused of not caring. I DON'T WANT TO CARE ANYMORE. So every 2 weeks, when Ch is here, we go through this. Me being accused of being a bitch. I honestly don't see it. I asked about her grades, and got attacked. Yet, every single day, she verbally beats up on J. He can't look crooked without her saying something. When she gets up in the morning, the first thing I hear is her yelling at him. Can he be a pain? Yes. I don't pretend like he is perfect. But he doesn't act any different than the other 2. He can't let things drop. He has to keep arguing. But so do the other 2. I understand that a biological connection is stronger. I don't expect her to pretend like she doesn't love her own kids in a different way. But why is it okay for her to treat him that way? I hate it. Why can't she see how much it hurts me? I really just wish Ch would just stop coming. It pours salt in an open wound. And the only way she seems to deal is by verbally battering me. I know that Ch is her daughter. And regardless of what she says, she hasn't dealt with or gotten over the fact that she left. Nor do I think she has moved past the fact that she feels responsible for that on some level. So once again, I get the blame. It's easier for everyone to blame me. I don't claim that I am perfect either. Do I get snippy sometimes? Yes. The hurt often manifests itself through anger, directed towards Ch. But it's not constant, like I am accused of. I don't even think it's often. I guess I sound selfish. I don't think, though, that this 12 year old should ruin what could be. I just wish I knew how to fix everything. It takes two though. I can't fix it alone. And sometimes I wonder if there is anything left to even fix.

A Dreaded Day

In the morning, I have to get up at 6AM. I have to get everyone ready, and then I have to do something which will fill me with sadness. I will be dropping my baby off at daycare. I'm fortunate in that I know the lady in the baby room who will be taking care of her. I know that she will be taken care of and given love. But it won't be me. For the last 11 months, I have been her sole caregiver. Oh, sure, she's been away from me. When we went to Hawaii, she stayed with her grandparents for a week. And sure, I've left her for a few hours. But this is the first time she will be with strangers. Why is this so different from when I did this with J? He was 3 months old. I was ready to go back to work then. I was ready for adult interaction. I didn't shed hardly a tear. Maybe it's because now I have built up a network of mommy friends. We had a hospital mom/baby group we went to. We are members of a playgroup. Maybe it's because back then, I didn't know anyone who stayed home with their kids. Everyone had to work. I guess I could stay home. It would be tight, and I'd have to watch every penny. Then things would be strained in my house and we probably would just keep fighting. So I guess part of me going back to work is preservation of my family and keeping a happy household. Maybe it's because she is probably the last. I can't believe she is going to be a year old next month. It seems like it has gone so fast. Even J commented on it. I thought it was pretty profound for an 8 yr old. He said that it seemed like Cadence had grown so fast. And that even though it seemed like the time went by slow to him, when it came to her growing, it seemed like only minutes. You know what they say, "out of the mouths of babes". I sit here crying and worrying about how she will do. She doesn't have stranger anxiety. She is friendly to new people. But I worry about her napping in a strange place, and whether she'll sleep at all. I worry that when I pick her up, she'll just be exhausted, and she'll want to sleep, and we'll lose the few hours in the afternoon that I'll have. I worry that I'll miss her first steps, her first words. Our other kids are older, and I don't feel needed as much, unless it's for money or a ride somewhere. I have been the center of this baby's world for 11 months. And she has been mine. She adores Carla and gets very excited when she comes home in the evening. I joke that I'm old hat, and that maybe now she'll be excited to see me too. But I think I'd rather stay an "old hat". ::Sigh:: I don't think I'll sleep much tonight.