What do I really want?

Did anyone ever tell you that you could do something and you weren't really sure you wanted to? And then the option wasn't there anymore, so then you wanted it? I'm not making sense am I? When I was pregnant with Cadence, and after she was born, Carla had made comments to the fact that I should stay home with her until she starts school. I was slightly horrified. My opinion has always been that I went to school to get an education and have a career. My goal was to stay at home with the baby for a year and then go back to work. After all, when J was a baby, I was so bored and felt so isolated. After my 3 month summer break, I was ready for adult interaction. Fast forward to now. I have joined a playgroup. I have friends with babies around the same age. At the very thought of going back to work, I was having panic attacks. Then we went through all sorts of turmoil. The whole Ch affair, the end of that child support, our tenant dying. All of which led us into financial downfall. We have been struggling to make ends meet. I sucked it up and even applied for WIC. So now, I really NEED to go back to work. I also need health insurance. But I am feeling gypped. I know part of it is my fault. I shop too much and indulge Cadence too much, and she's too young to appreciate it, so I know I am really doing it to appease myself. I have possibly been offered a position, but it's not exactly what I want, so that also is contributing to this feeling of not wanting to leave my daughter. I know the money will help us. It will make Carla less stressed, and make our lives more comfortable. I know i've given my daughter her mom for a year, and I feel fortunate because many families aren't able to do that. I don't know why I feel so torn. I know if they offered me a full time teaching position with full salary and benefits, I'd jump at it. As it stands now, it's benefits, and about 5/8 of full salary. That's if they pay what is originally written in the grant. I'm in limbo as they haven't solidified the position. Add to that the stress of that fact that the daycare only has 2 positions open, and I'm just a nervous wreck. I can't afford to put down the deposit until I know if I have the job. I want to be with my daughter, but I want to work. It's so hard. I'm sure I'll be fine once I go back to work. And if I figure in the naps she takes, I'm really only missing out on 4 hours a day with her. I'll be glad when the stage is set and I know what's going on. The waiting and going over everything in my head is the worst!