Separate Lives

Well, we visited the lawyer to discuss what would happen in court with Ch, and what our options are. She mentioned joint custody, which would either be a split week, or week here/week there arrangement. I was eager for it, because I figured it would give Ch and I a chance to work through whatever our problem seemed to be. And it would also, hopefully, give Carla and Ch a chance to keep a good relationship. So I took J to a baseball game, and when I talked to Carla midway through, she said she had talked to Charlie. Basically she told him about what the lawyer said. His biggest concern is that, according to him, he can't afford his child support anymore. Never mind that he has a million dollar racecar. This just makes me even more convinced that he orchestrated this for his own reasons. So Carla told him about the joint custody thing. She basically told him he could have whatever he wanted, as long as on paper they shared physical custody. That way Ch could come back if she wanted without a court fight (this is what she is banking on..I still think he'd fight her). Well when she told me this, I was so angry. We ended up in a huge fight. She said horrible things to me. Told me that Ch told her that it was my fault (which means Carla lied to me!) and that she would never forgive me for saying that I didn't want her there (after Ch hit my son in the head with a rock!!). She said I was lazy, a terrible mother, and that I was running her into the ground financially. She said I needed to get a job. Then she said I needed to find a place to go for the summer, that she needed time away from me. I was devastated by some of what she said to me. I cried all night, and a lot of the next day. Since then, we are civil to each other. Sometimes things seem normal. But I have had to put up a wall in order to go on. I have had to shut myself off so that I can stop feeling the pain. She keeps telling me to get over the thing with Ch. But I just can't get over the things she said, and the feeling that she does blame me, no matter how much she says she doesn't. Were those things said in the heat of anger, or are they true? She said last night that she doesn't think things will ever be the same between us, and in a way I agree. I don't trust what she says anymore. So she says we'll just live separate lives. She is gone for the weekend. Camping, she said. I called earlier for something and she doesn't answer, nor has she called back. So I'm home this weekend (or longer?) with my 2 children. I feel trapped. I have no job, no income, no means of supporting myself if she decides that she doesn't want me here anymore. I alternate being scared, and being angry. I just can't get past those things she said. I'm so hurt and have no one to talk to who understands. If it weren't for my kids, I don't know what I'd do. I never thought it would come to this.