Utterly Lost

What do you do when you've been lied to? How do you get over it and move on?In my last post, I mentioned how Carla was going camping. Well she didn't go camping. She went to Florida, to visit someone she has been friends with online for several years. Yes, the someone was a woman. She spent 4 days there. According to her, it was a wonderful thing. They talked and she realized a lot of things about herself. She realized that she was still in love with me. She says she needed the time away to think. And that she "needed to miss" me. I guess you have to go 1500 miles away to miss someone these days. She says she didn't cheat. She says that was never the intention. But it's been a bitter pill to swallow, when she has had sexual conversations with this woman, the woman has sent her nude photos, and she had said in the past that she would sleep with her. But I'm supposed to accept at face value that she didn't cheat. Well after 2 days of crying and arguing, I had come to terms with things for the most part. My gut says she truly didn't cheat. And I'm not a trusting person. So last night, I felt better about things. I felt optimistic about working through things. Today, I had even talked to the woman, and we talked about things and what was said while Carla was down there. So I felt that was in check. Then, during a conversation tonight, I asked the innocent question "Where did you sleep?" Her answer "In her room". Where? "Well she had a queen size bed". WHAT?! It sent me reeling. I feel like an even bigger idiot than I was already feeling. She doesn't see a problem with this. She said she never even had a second thought about it. Am I totally off base here with my feelings? Sure, if there hadn't been a history of inappropriate stuff between them, I might have handled it better. So what now? We are once again fighting. Because when I get angry, then she just batters ME with angry words and talks about how lazy I am and how I am a freeloader, etc. And I'm just such a bitch. This coming from someone who is supposed to love me and want to be with me forever? She tells me if I am unhappy then I should leave. Oh, that's great. I'll just leave, with no job, no money, and no place to go with my 2 kids. Does she even realize how ridiculous that sounds? I guess the million $$ question is: If I had the means to go, would I? How sad and pathetic am I that I really don't know what I would do? A person can only take so much of hearing about what an awful person they are. I don't feel like she really cares. Somewhere I have heard that it takes a 100 compliments to undo one negative remark. I guess if that's the case, it will take a lifetime to undo the scarring that she has done on my soul. Saying that I'm a bad mother is the most hurtful thing she does. I love my kids. I don't beat them, I don't hurt them. She thinks it's awful that I hold Cadence all the time. Or that I sometimes take a nap with her. I know I'm not without faults. I hate housework, and I do a pretty poor job with it. But who wants to do anything when you feel so awful? When you're just so beat down? I know I shouldn't make excuses. Relationships are give and take. And lately, I guess I don't feel I have anything to give. So it's like we're at an impasse. No one wants to give anything. So what do we do? Am I stupid for even wanting this to work? I feel so utterly lost.