A Dreaded Day

In the morning, I have to get up at 6AM. I have to get everyone ready, and then I have to do something which will fill me with sadness. I will be dropping my baby off at daycare. I'm fortunate in that I know the lady in the baby room who will be taking care of her. I know that she will be taken care of and given love. But it won't be me. For the last 11 months, I have been her sole caregiver. Oh, sure, she's been away from me. When we went to Hawaii, she stayed with her grandparents for a week. And sure, I've left her for a few hours. But this is the first time she will be with strangers. Why is this so different from when I did this with J? He was 3 months old. I was ready to go back to work then. I was ready for adult interaction. I didn't shed hardly a tear. Maybe it's because now I have built up a network of mommy friends. We had a hospital mom/baby group we went to. We are members of a playgroup. Maybe it's because back then, I didn't know anyone who stayed home with their kids. Everyone had to work. I guess I could stay home. It would be tight, and I'd have to watch every penny. Then things would be strained in my house and we probably would just keep fighting. So I guess part of me going back to work is preservation of my family and keeping a happy household. Maybe it's because she is probably the last. I can't believe she is going to be a year old next month. It seems like it has gone so fast. Even J commented on it. I thought it was pretty profound for an 8 yr old. He said that it seemed like Cadence had grown so fast. And that even though it seemed like the time went by slow to him, when it came to her growing, it seemed like only minutes. You know what they say, "out of the mouths of babes". I sit here crying and worrying about how she will do. She doesn't have stranger anxiety. She is friendly to new people. But I worry about her napping in a strange place, and whether she'll sleep at all. I worry that when I pick her up, she'll just be exhausted, and she'll want to sleep, and we'll lose the few hours in the afternoon that I'll have. I worry that I'll miss her first steps, her first words. Our other kids are older, and I don't feel needed as much, unless it's for money or a ride somewhere. I have been the center of this baby's world for 11 months. And she has been mine. She adores Carla and gets very excited when she comes home in the evening. I joke that I'm old hat, and that maybe now she'll be excited to see me too. But I think I'd rather stay an "old hat". ::Sigh:: I don't think I'll sleep much tonight.